March 2023

March 2023 -

As we hit the 1st of March I found myself at the Centre in Brighton again for my final appointment there, where I was told the results of all the tests and exactly what type of cancer had been found and where they had found it.

My good friend was with me again and she understood what they were saying which is good as I had no idea what was being said to me.
I felt my hand being held and a sense of dread..... I had no idea what the words being said meant and I had no idea how I would cope with what was to come..... or even if I would cope with it.

I was still trying to get my head around telling people and I had hoped that this appointment today would make that easier for me. 

Before I went I had fantasied that I would be told that a mistake had been made and everything was fine. I could go back to my old life exactly how it was before.

Little did I realise that , even if it had all been a huge mistake, there was no going back to my old life. You can never go back after you have faced the reality of cancer in your life. 

Some people say to me now that they had "a 'cancer scare' but it was nothing in the end." I would like to honour and recognise here and now that it is still a life changing event to be tested for cancer even if you only wait a few weeks to be told that your results are negative. The worry and fear you feel is just as valid.

I wonder how many other people at the point of diagnosis kid themselves that they might be told the experts got it wrong... everything is fine... it might be more common than I know???

I forced myself to tell my close family as I knew I couldn't really put it off any longer. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

Why did I find it so hard?

I have asked myself this over and over , and the only reason I can think of is that I wanted to protect them. Protect them from the panic and anxiety that I was feeling. The sheer terror and confusion. At times I think it is harder for the people that love you to cope with all of this than it is for the actual person themselves. 

I was starting to tell people but still carrying on with my business as if nothing was wrong.

I was feeling such a mix of emotions and uncertainty. I think that keeping busy with work was keeping me sane as with every person I told, the reality was drawing in and weighing very heavy. Strange as I had thought that as I told people I would feel a weight lifting ... but that was not the case for me.

On March 13th I had an appointment to see my Surgeon. I found it very strange that this is the first person you talk to about your 'treatment plan' .
I found out later on that there had been a whole team of people discussing my case, experts making decisions about what was best for me.

Everyone's cancer is different and everyone's treatment is unique.

As I progressed along the new path of my life I would become very grateful to all the 'teams' that supported me. My medical. team. my holistic team, my 'woo woo' team, my friends and my family.

They say it takes a village to raise a baby... I say it takes a village to help you cope with cancer.

At this appointment I had another very special friend with me. I had learnt that you need someone with you for so many reasons. I was so glad that I had my friends' support on this day as the word I had been so frightened of came up now.... Chemotherapy!!! 

She knew me so well that she knew what the very mention of this would do to me.

I had always been of the opinion that Chemotherapy kills more people than Cancer actually does and had vowed that I would never go down that path. I can't justify why I thought this but I did and now I was being told that I needed it!!!

I surprised myself that I did actually hear the rest of what was being said. I didn't understand it but I did hear it. My friend had been so good and was taking notes and asked a few questions for me that I forgot about.

The summary was that I was to have chemotherapy first to shrink what they had found before surgery and then radiotherapy. Of course this scared me so much. It seems so full on and I couldn't help but keep thinking -

How big was this cancer that they had to shrink it before surgery???

Would they be able to shrink it???

What if it didn't work???

... so many questions going round in my head. I was a mess, but my main concern at this precise moment was...

What about my hair!?! Oh my goodness... I'd lose my hair!!!

How vain of me... but how common... I was later to find out.

My friend and I were led into another room by my wonderful Cancer Specialist Nurse who was to form a very important part of the 'village that got me through this'. She spoke to me in words I could understand and addressed my initial fears about what had just been said to me. It was slowly beginning to sink in.

I still didn't really believe this was happening to me.

When we left my friend and I treated ourselves to lunch at a lovely restaurant - Was I still in denial? Just a little.

The next day my friend and I were off to see the Oncologist.

He was very patient and went through everything again with me while my friend made notes and helped me with the questions I couldn't remember. To be honest, I couldn't really remember anything but I surprised myself  that I did remember to ask for a little time to think before I agreed to what was being proposed.

This is something I would like to remind anyone who finds themself facing a cancer treatment plan. Don't feel rushed into agreeing. Fear may take over but you can give yourself time to think and even get a second opinion if you wish. I gave myself a little wiggle room which I don't think did any harm. I asked for a week to think about it before I agreed. I thought long and hard but, maybe deep down I already knew, I would do what they suggested. 
Once I agreed  (because, of course, I did agree,) I found myself in a whirlwind of 'prep'.

On the 22nd I had a clip fitted to my lymph nodes. On the 23rd I had an Echocardiogram to check my heart was in good shape and on the 31st I had a Port a Cath fitted (that is something that can be used for the needles for blood tests and chemo and infusions. Much better and easier than having to keep finding a vein, I learnt.)

In and out of hospital to get all this done with my trusted friend always by my side... thank heavens.

My advice to you if you are faced with a diagnosis followed by a proposed treatment plan, is to lean into all the support you are offered. Especially if you are lucky, like me, to have one of the best friends you could wish for, who knows you better than you know yourself and who can be your ears and spokesperson when you need it.  Allow yourself to feel the fear of the situation but also allow yourself some laughs and treats. This is a very serious situation but we can find some lightness if we look for it.

I would also advise that you learn to put your trust in others. This was a tricky one for me but so beneficial to do as, like I said before, 'it takes a village'. You can't do this on your own and why should you? Trust the people around you and trust your medical team to look after you. They are the experts and, once I let go, and put myself in their hands, it all started to become a little easier.

~

I have learnt a lot through this which is why I am so passionate about sharing my experience so that I can help others.

If you would like to find out how I can help you please take a look at my website and YouTube channel where you can hear more about my cancer experience and how and why I am so passionate about helping people.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or simply need a listening ear.

Here are details to my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@CalmerSelfCoach

Website: www.calmerself.co.uk

Text: 07856 169186

Email: nadine@calmerself.co.uk