April 2023

April 2023 - One Month, Two Chemo Sessions, Three Weeks Apart!

On the 4th April I was to have my very first chemotherapy session. There's prep for this, blood tests a couple of days before and steroids to take, apparently they help with the side effects. My amazing medical team had decided on the 'chemo cocktail' I was to be having and I had been given medication to counteract the not so pleasant side effects they knew would come too.

I had been advised to have someone drive me to the hospital and for this very first one I chose to invite my Sister to come with me. I don't know how kind this was of me as we were both so nervous, we had no idea what to expect. My thinking was that, by joining me for this first session she would be able to put her worries to one side as she had actually been with me for the 'very scary chemo' .

Was I so optimistic that I would be ok??? Strangely enough, I was.

Amongst the terror and anxiety was a part of me that kept saying "you'll be ok…”

I hung onto that.

After a very lighthearted drive, I was shown where I would be spending the rest of the day and introduced to a big machine that would be controlling my Cold Cap. I had decided I would attempt to keep my hair by using a Cold Cap during the chemo. Well, just getting it in place was an ordeal never mind when it actually started to freeze my head. It was tight, uncomfortable and heavy but I really didn't want to lose my hair so I endured the discomfort.

Me with the Cold Cap on, enjoying a cuppa and holding Caline, a teddy bear gift.

The lovely chemo nurse who looked after me on this day instantly bonded with my Sister. They shared the same sense of humour which seemed mostly to be ganging up on me. I can't believe how much laughing we all did throughout this day. Jokes about how untidy I was and how demanding I was whenever I asked for help to get to the bathroom. Being wired up to the cold cap machine and the chemo drugs that were being pumped into me for hours, all had to come with me wherever I went.

The fun that we found was so helpful in getting me through the day. I am so grateful for all the support I was given and was also very grateful that I didn't really feel all the chemicals that were being pumped into my body.

On the drive home, I was tired but so relieved that we had got through the 1st chemo. I was glad that I had shared this with my Sister and I really hope she had been able to let go of some of her concerns too.

It was a couple of days before the side effects started to show. For me it was mostly the inability to leave the toilet.

I used some of the medication I had been given and was to learn how to get used to my cycle and how best to manage it in the months to come, but at this point, I had no idea and just felt so rotten. I was surviving on mostly fizzy Ginger and being very floppy and lethargic. You are told to phone the hospital if you are struggling, which I did after about a week. So glad I did as I was reassured and advised what was best to do.......'cut down on the ginger' was one suggestion - apparently it can upset your tummy if you have too much and nothing else...... who knew!!!

As I was learning to time my activities around the side effects and continued to rest lots, I also stepped into my 'woo woo' support team by going to see my Acupuncturist for some specialist treatment to help manage side effects and enjoyed some wonderful distance Reiki from another of my wonderful friends.

I was to have my chemo sessions every 3 weeks and, before I knew it, it was time to get ready for Round 2.

I was feeling much better when I went for the blood tests to check my body had recovered enough to cope with chemo and I dutifully started to take the steroids again. I was doing ok but I was devastated that my hair had started to come out so, for the 2nd session I scraped my hair up so you couldn't see the gaps and didn't bother with the cold cap.

My hair coming out was so upsetting to me and I was very angry that all the discomfort I had gone through with the cold cap had done absolutely nothing.

I was driven to my 2nd round of chemo by my good friend who had been with me when we first heard the word chemotherapy. She was so good at looking after me that I could just relax and know she would take care of everything for me.

Having no cold cap on, it cut off about an hour from the time I was in the chemo unit but it still felt like a long and tiring day. Again I was so well cared for I can only remember what a delightful day it was in spite of what was actually happening..... and why.

Two days after this chemo I got my hairdresser to shave my head. I couldn't bear the clumps coming out so it was an easy decision to make in the end. I am lucky that she has done this for several people and took the time and care I needed to make it as pleasant an experience as possible. I had my Sister there, again to try to alleviate some of her fears. Even though I found it very hard to lose my hair, I was amazed by how much it affected others. So many people cried for me and my loss and it really made me appreciate that you need to go through a period of grieving and honour the loss that you are experiencing.

It's real, it's sad and it changes your life as much as all the rest of it does.

I had toyed with the idea of wigs, and my hairdresser had given me some beautiful turbans, but I surprised myself when I was faced with my first public outing, my Sister's 30th Anniversary party, that I decided to go out without trying to cover up my baldness.

My first public outing after having my head shaved. Sitting with my sister at her 30th Wedding Anniversary get together.

Everyone was so kind saying how great I looked and I spent a delightful couple of hours with this caring group of people, looking after my compromised immunity and telling me I still look beautiful and that I would be fine. This was much needed as I was so unsure of how I was going to get through this. The things that had been said to me by my Oncologist were starting to become my reality and I was terrified.

If you find yourself in a similar situation I would advise you to lean into all the help and support you are offered. You will need it .

I would also say that it is helpful to give into all the changes that are happening. Trust your team. They know best and they are there to help you.

Your world will never be the same again and you will need all the encouragement, love and care that you can find.

Take all the time you need to grieve the changes and the losses. Allow yourself to feel all your fears. Rest when you need to and do whatever you need to to make yourself feel better.

I have learnt a lot through this which is why I am so passionate about sharing my experience so that I can help others.

If you would like to find out how I can help you please take a look at my website and YouTube channel where you can hear more about my cancer experience and how and why I am so passionate about helping people.

Please do contact me directly if you have any questions or need a listening ear.

Nadine

07856 169 186

nadine@calmerself.co.uk