A monthly newsletter article sharing my Cancer experience from Diagnosis through Treatment and onto Recovery

February 2023 - Anticipatory Grief

On the 1st Feb 2 years ago I was facilitating an online workshop for people to 'Reset their Goals' something I did every year to help people really tune into what they truly want for the year ahead and tweek what they might have set as New Year Resolutions.

How revealing this was for me personally. Together with the people that had signed up, I got the opportunity to really examine how I felt about my diagnosis and what emotions were coming up for me as I was slowly accepting the fact that I had cancer. I found it really difficult though to create and set any intentions for the year ahead, as I usually did, as my future seemed so unknown.

Thanks to my work I was able to do this again with a real life group. I am grateful for the chance to dig really deep and use one of my own Calmer Self Steps of gentle questioning that revealed to me some old fears and patterns of behaviour that came with my more recent worries and fears. It's strange how we are rarely only dealing with what we are faced with in the moment... it is so often wrapped up together with old wounds. 

Later on in this month I was to co host an Instagram live where we discussed the topic of grief. I found myself directing the conversation a little towards 'anticipatory grief' as obviously that was what I was experiencing at this time. That feeling of grieving something before it happens. Kind of practicing it. which is a total waste of time because you can never really prepare yourself but such is the natural flow of our emotions. I have since learnt that 'anticipatory grief' comes up in so many situations.

I was facing death in many ways at this time. My Aunt died and a very good friend of mine died too ..... of cancer unfortunately.

This particular friend was brave enough to have what she called a 'living wake'. Such a beautiful thing to do for everyone involved. She said that she felt lucky in knowing she was going to die so she could be surrounded by the people that were important to her. So true, we don't always get the chance as we don't always know what's coming up for us. I remember wondering if I would be that emotionally stable in the same situation and felt honoured to have shared the time with such a very special person. I didn't appreciate it at the time but I was being taught a very precious lesson. 

So there were two funerals to attend, still keeping my secret. I couldn't bring myself to share what I was going through when people were grieving their own losses. 

I was still having some tests so I was unsure of exactly what I was going to have to deal with so really uncertain of how to tell anyone anyway. I was still figuring that out. 

Death seemed to be all around me and it really shone a light on what I was thinking about and how I felt about my own mortality but still I hid in the shadows of my secret while I enjoyed special times with family, celebrated a couple of big birthdays with friends and had some very noteable times with my extra special friends. Looking back I don't know how I did it but I am glad I took the time to process what I needed to in my own way and I am so grateful that I had the tools to look at the fears and concerns that came up for me. My trusted Calmer Self Method was proving to be so valuable to me. It almost felt like I had been prepared for this devastating turn of events and this gave me a glimmer of hope that I would be able to cope with whatever was going to be my future. I now know this to be true and this is why I am so passionate about helping others who find themselves in the same situation. 

The advice I give to others is to take your time while you process the curveballs that life throws at you. Don't be afraid of your feelings. They will come in waves but they can go just as quickly.

Also I think it's important to really take notice of what is going on around you and what lessons you may be being given. The Universe works in very strange ways and it helps us to be open to this.

I don't know if I would tell people earlier if I had my time over again. I needed the time to myself to just sit with the whole range of emotions that came up for me and, in reflection,  I was grateful that I could be selfish and just worry about my own emotions for the time being and not have to consider how others would deal with my news...... maybe that's why I did it.

If you would like to find out how I can help you please take a look at my website and YouTube channel where you can hear more about my cancer experience and how and why am I am so passionate about helping people.

Please do contact me directly if you have any questions and a listening ear.